For a long time now, I’ve looked at the image of the Sun in the tarot deck with a mixture of confusion, curiosity and longing. What is this kid doing riding a horse with his arms wide open? And why so late into the Fool’s Journey?
The Sun is the 19th card in the major arcana. It’s a card that represents finally seeing the light again after a long dark tunnel. It’s about re-finding that part of yourself that’s untouched and unmarked by pain, loss and suffering. The Sun is the Soul. Unlike the transient nature of our human experience; the soul is eternal, unwavering, constant.
For a long time now, I’ve looked at the Sun card and wondered if I would ever see that side of myself again. If I would find that part of myself that remains untarnished, untouched and unmarked.
And for years and years now, I’ve thought that the answer to that question is a loud and resounding no.
After all, we cannot wish away our trauma. We can only integrate it into our human experience and learn to bear it the best we can. And so I learnt – to suck it up and bear it. To keep going no matter how terrible I felt – all the while wondering if happiness would always remain that elusive goal that’s always out of reach.
And just when I thought that it was all over. And just when I thought that it would always be the same shit of history repeating itself – the Sun started shining again.
I have not felt this happy in a long long time. After a long hiatus, I’m finally back in the kitchen and cooking again. I’m sharing my life again with open arms like I once did without fear. Having experienced the dark night of the soul time and time again, I really really appreciate what I have now.
I made it through that dark tunnel. And now the light looks even more beautiful than I what I remember.
And at long last, I can be again. I can breathe again.
And with open arms, I live again.