In his dreams, David does what most men do. He dreams of a better tomorrow.
“Good morning, world,” he says. “It’s good to see you today. Life is such a grand and amazing adventure. There are few things I love more than to gaze out at the horizon and know that I hold the world in the palm of my hand. That life is ever ready to open its arms to me and offer me everything I desire and so much more.”
And then the alarm rings.
I reluctantly open my eyes. Oh no. Not this again. I hit snooze till I realise I no longer can. I roll my eyes. Oh yes. Welcome back to another groundhog day – where yesterday is the same as today which will be the same as tomorrow.
I haven’t felt that sense of excitement about the world since I was a child – when there were things out there I wanted to discover. When I wasn’t afraid of uncertainty and when I took risks simply because I was curious.
Despite my own cynicism, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about the tarot reading I had yesterday. The lady who did it made no predictions about my future, but she reminded me of so many things I had forgotten. She made me open my eyes to the fact that I’ve avoided looking at life in the eye for a long long time.
I fill my days with all kinds of things that bring money and certainty. Everyone tells me that ‘I’ve done well for myself’ – but deep down, my accomplishments feel like nothing because I’m not being myself. I’m an inauthentic version of me doing what everyone else thinks I should be doing. And they all keep telling me I’ve made it – whatever the hell that means.
It wasn’t supposed to be this way. I had bigger dreams. Bigger goals. Bigger plans. Bigger everything. When did I throw it all away? Why did I throw it all away?
After taking a shower, I stare at my naked reflection. It’s been a long time since I’ve done that. I stare into my eyes and the spark I once had is gone. I remember her words.
“If I had to pick a favourite suit in tarot deck,” Dipa said, “It would be the Suit of Wands. The symbolism in the cards really exemplify the essence of that fiery spirit. It’s about energy, creativity, spontaneity and exuberance. It’s the suit that embodies the capacity of having an idea, a goal and a vision – and going after it in a direct and unabashed manner -and of being unafraid of getting into a fight or two along the way.
“The second card in your reading is the Two of Wands. In this card, we see a man holding a wand in one hand and the world in the other. He is looking at the horizon as though it belongs to him. And it does. He is looking beyond the safety of his comfort zone because he knows that it can no longer give him what he needs to grow.
My memory of the reading fades. All that’s left is me staring at my naked body. I want to nothing more than to type out that resignation letter and send it through to my idiotic boss. I deserve to be my own boss – not work under one. I look at my laptop. I know what I need to do. But do I have it in me to do it?